Assume the Position

“When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.”

I’ve always hated that expression. Nothing wrong with assuming. An assumption can be an informed deduction or conjecture that involves deep reasoning. Not all assumptions make asses of people.

This also says nothing of the other definition of “assume”: to take on a new job or responsibility. “He assumed power.” Who does that make an ass of?

When you assign something, does it make an ass out of a sign?

When you drink Assam tea, does it make an ass out of Sam?

When you get asthma, does it make an ass out of Ma?

When you assure, does it make an ass out of a brand of deodorant?

When you assemble, does it make an ass out of historic evangelist Aimee Semple Jr.?

When you assault, does it make an ass out of a peanut?

When the superheroic god Thor goes to his mythical home Asgard, does his entrance at the hallowed gates make asses out of the guards?

When you take ascorbic acid, does it make an ass out of Corbin Bernsen?

When you’re at Aspen, are you mocking writing implements?

When you look askance, are you disagreeing with the 18th century philosopher Emmanuel Kant?

When you’re asleep, do you have a problem with Leap Year?

When you study astrology, are you expressing a dislike of streetcars?

And if you’re astonished, is your silverware dirty?


Or so I assume. Join me. Us asses have to stick together.