By Artie Capshaw

Crewcut guy jumps out of crowd and wallops lead singer mid-song.

A ho-hum situation at hardcore shows, but much more curious when it takes place at a folk acoustic open mic.

Took a few phone calls to crack this malevolent mystery.

Roger Root, turns out, didn’t get his fake surname from the type of folk he plays. And, no surprise, he doesn’t make all his money from playing open mics.

Roger has a day job, and another life his club cronies know little about. “Root” refers to that.

So what is he? A dentist? An organic farmer? A math teacher?

None of the above: Roger’s a plumber, a special kind of plumber, who fashions bespoke tubing hook-ups for folks who want to put newfangled drains and disposals in kitchens which weren’t really designed to handle them.

Roger Root was attacked by a disgruntled client. With a pipe. From a kitchen remodeling that just didn’t work out.

The man—in his 50s, but stronger than the three baristas who tried to stop him—was subdued. And jailed!

Roger’s comment? “I would’ve fixed his kitchen. Sounds like it was just a leak, not a routing problem. But not after he busted in during ‘Loons.”

That’s right. The song was Roger Root’s classically rooted paean to displaced wildlife, “Clear the Loons.”

…before they brain you with the tools of your trade.

Alexander’s Mediation Board and The Young Alans at the Bullfinch. No plumbers in the lot, only smartass college students… By Morse and Against the Storm at Hamilton’s—no plumbers there either, though there are songs ab0ut pipes… Templeton Time and The Honeymoon Hills at D’Ollaire’s, for those nostalgic for when these bands had hits…