Skinny Floot, of the Hampton Floots, proposed to his girlfriend Helter Zelda onstage at a Hamilton’s punkfest last week. She declined the offer and spat in his face. Since spitting in Skinny’s face is something all his fans have done at one time or another, and since the band is known for outrageous put-ons (remember Zelda as the Virgin Mary, giving birth to Santa Claus in a basement show a few months back?), there were unanswered questions long after the set was finished.

Of course we hit up both S and Z for details, and of course neither of them are to be trusted. So we took this off the bandstage into the real world found out their real names, knocked on a few doors, and even visited the county courthouse.

Shocking upshot: the engagement was fake… Because they’re already married! Tied the knot, and probably whipped each other with it, three years ago… before they started the band. The Hamilton’s antics took place on their anniversary.

Now don’t we feel like we should move over to the investigative reporter desk at this rag?

There’s some semblance of punk-pop bill at Hamilton’s Thursday, with Nuts for Fair, The Pickestaffs, La Za Za, Patsy Pancake, Kiddy Katty Korner, The Gazzwatts and Kelly’s Kumquat Farm… The Bullfinch is alarming quiet again, not just tonight but tomorrow. Next up, night after next: Overflow Meeting of Memories, Watching the Old Order Crack and The Slouch Hats. D’ollaire’s is doing the nostalgia thing with three bands who had minor hits several years ago, touring on the way down: That’s My Pop, Phool Phan Phables and Banana Oil. Oh, how the world has changed since then…