1. “Shelf,” The Jonas Brothers, Shelf. Best shelf song ever because that’s the whole title, “Shelf,” and it cons a young man warbling “Shelf” in that shouty Disney pop style. So playful. Love as a metaphor for putting away your toys.
2. “Kerouac,” Willie Loco Alexander and the Boom Boom Band. “Oh, Kerouac, you’re on the top of my shelf.” (And what’s he doing there?) A heartfelt punk tribute, and one of the formative records of my teen years in Massachusetts.
3. “Georgy Girl,” The Seekers. Gets middle position because despite its fantastic whistle-riff, and the fact that it was co-written by British comedy legend Jim Dale, it can get annoying after too many listens. Its pop brilliance is summed up in how nonsensically it uses the coda “a little bit”: “So shed those dowdy feathers and fly—a little bit” and “It’s time for jumping down from the shelf—a little bit.” How can you do either of those things a little bit? How about “It’s time to get pregnant—a little bit”?
4. “Old Time Rock & Roll,” Bob Seger. I hate this song—I can actually hewar Georgy Girl again happily every once in a while. But I was completely done with Bob Seger decades ago. Still, this song is terribly devoted to the whole shelf concept—it’s where the old records are kept.
5. “Leave the Bourbon on the Shelf,” The Killers. Gets lowest position because it’s about a man killing his girlfriend. More sick and selfish than shelfish.