Water Cooler Theater #1

PAPER CUTS
A script for the state workers in Wisconsin
CHARACTERS
A: The governor
B: Anybody but the governor
PROPS
A whole lot of pieces of paper
SCENE ONE
B: What’s this?
A: it’s a ballot. Vote for me.
B: Well, I’ll vote for SOMEBODY. I believe in the will of the people.
SCENE TWO
B: What’s this?
A: It’s a mandate. I got elected. It is the will of the people.
B: [Exaggerated look of shock and anguish]. Oh.
SCENE THREE
B: What’ s this now?
A: [Brandishes a piece of paper.] It’s a stinky old bill they passed a few years ago. About collective bargaining or some crap.
B: The will of the people, in other words.
SCENE FOUR
[A hangs bill on wall, or puts it on floor, dances around it, takes aim at it, taunts it. B sneaks away.]
SCENE FIVE
A: Time for a vote! Roll call! [Holds up sheet of paper, reads from it.] Minority party member number one! [Silence.]
Minority party member number two! [Silence. A rolls paper into a megaphone.] Where arrrrrre you? [Balls up paper in disgust.]
B. [As mailman.] Special delivery for the governor! (Hands him a sheet of paper)
A: What does it say? Can somebody find a state-certified teacher to read this to me?
B: [Recites what' s on paper.] It says, “Having a lovely time. Wish you weren’t there.”
SCENE SIX
A [actual quote from Gov. Walker]: we’re doing this to lead the way in our own state, to get Wisconsin working again. But if along the way we help lead a movement across the state to pass true fiscal reform, true budgetary reform, to ultimately inspire others across this country … I think that’s a good thing.
B: Well, that’s what you did. You led a movement across the state, into Illinois.
SCENE SEVEN
A & B [Flipping through stacks of paper]: A lawsuit! A summons! An edict! An appeal!
B [Draws a picture of industrialist David Koch’s face on a piece paper, holds it in front of his head]: Hello, I’m industrialist David Koch. How’s it goin’, Gov?
A [smooths back his hair, grooms himself to chat with Koch]: Now here’s my plan…
[They huddle. B. sneaks away, comes back as newsboy.]
SCENE EIGHT
B [as newsboy, waving papers]: Read all about it! Governor is a louse! Governor is a bully! Governor is in the pocket of corporate moneygrubbing scoundrels! Governor is…
A: Here, publish this.
[B publishes it.]
B: My god! What did you do?!
A: Published the bill. Read this and weep.
B: Well, read THIS. It’s from a judge.
A: Well, I’ve got this that says that doesn’t mean anything.
B: And I’ve got this from the union supporters!
A: And I’ve got this from the bean counters!
B: And I’ve got this coupon for three dollars off two cartons of Coke!
A: And I’ve got David Koch!
B: No, that was me in disguise.
A: Well, I’m going to pass this!
B: Then I’ll challenge with this!
A: Then I’ll issue this!
B: Them I’ll hit you with this!
A: And I’ll bury you with this!
[They cover themselves with mounds of paper.]
Help! Help!
B [getting to his feet]: Seems like you need a dependable state employee to keep on top of all this reading, writing, teaching, filing, sorting, organizing…
A: Don’t say organizing. [He faints.]
[B holds up paper reading TO BE CONTINUED. Takes out another piece of paper] Sign this petition to impeach the governor? Sign this petition to impeach the governor?