“Look, I told you already. There’s no room.”
“But you used to do a full-page preview of every tour we’ve brought through here since—gosh, at least two editors ago.”
“I know, like 80 years. But we just don’t have the space anymore. We gave away a coupon booklet with the paper yesterday, and the booklet was thicker than the paper.”
“You do still have a Sunday arts section, though, don’t you?”
“Not like we used to. We took out one of the comic strips and put it there. It has to be a pretty big arts story to get picked up these days.”
“What was it last Sunday?”
“Somebody bombed the museum. So that was like our fine arts story for the month. Lucky for you, you’re in theater. So what’ve you got?”
“I won’t waste your time. I might be able to get you God.”
“God?”
“I’d just have to check his schedule.”
“Is he in the production?”
“He was in the original cast, of course. And he’s consulting. This is completely off the record, you didn’t hear it from me. But if ticket sales are slow, he may make appearances in a few cities.”
“Has he toured here before? I can’t remember.”
“Yes. I think this would be his second coming.”
“Still… huh. I think I could find a few columns for an exclusive interview with God.”
“Actually, it would have to be a conference call. Is that all right?”
“Man, I hate conference calls.”
“It’s all conference calls with him, I’m afraid.”
“Well, the editors should go for it anyway. Our Sunday arts section is right next to the church news.”
“Doesn’t church news run on Saturdays?”
“We don’t actually put out a Saturday paper anymore. Nobody’s really noticed yet.”
“I know what you mean. We pretend to have Thursday night performances, but we really don’t. Our subscribers only want weekends. Look, I know what you’re going to say, but this is my job and I have to ask: You don’t think this is worth a front page? An interview with God?”
“Well, it is timely, with the show in town and all. I could… no, I just remembered. That’ll be our Summer Calendar issue. Picture of a big ice cream cone above the fold.”
“I understand. Inside’s fine. Shall I go ahead and set it up?”
“We can make tentative plans, sure. But, as you know, lots of stories fall out at the last minute.”
“I’ll take my chances. You’ll love talking to him, I’m sure. There are some conditions, though.”
“Hmmmm. Like…”
“He’ll only talk about the show. Nothing about his personal life.”
“How about his son? His son’s done this show too, right?”
“I wouldn’t mention the son. I don’t really know, but I think there’s some friction there.”
“I noticed that they never appear together.”
“I know. He did a voice-over in one of Jesus’ things, but they worked separately.”
“Well, I can’t imagine what I’d ask him about besides the show, in any case.”
“That’s what I thought. I’ll call his people right now.”
“And I’ll need art. Got any hi-res photos you can send over to production right now? That would help me pitch this thing.”
“I don’t have a headshot of him, but I have some wonderful paintings and drawings.”
“Nothing that’s going to be in an ad, OK?”
“I think there’s lots to choose from. I do have group shots of the cast.”
“Who else is in it?”
“Well, there’s this one guy in the chorus. He went to school around here, I think?”
“Local boy? Why didn’t you tell me in the first place? Scrap the other thing. I’ll talk to that guy!” (Yells across room: “Hold the ice cream cover!”)