Hosted another of my monthly  Get to the Point! storytelling revues last night at Cafe Nine here in New Haven. There’s a pronounced theatrical element to some of them. Case in point: in searching for a decent off-copyright translation of a story from one of my favorite books of all time, August Villiers de L’isle-Adam’s Contes Cruels, I ultimately decided to just adapt one myself. It emerged as a tidy two-hander which was ably performed last night by Steve Scarpa and Peter Chenot of New Haven Theater Company. Not incidentally, Steven and Peter also comprise the marketing and publicity department of the Long Wharf Theatre, and their marketing skills made them naturals for performing this particular piece.

I’m posting the whole script here now. If you feel like performing it, feel free, though I would appreciate hearing about it.
Hopefully before the next Get to the Point! event on July 1, I’ll have a web page up devoted to the series which can serve as a repository for other texts presented at the series.

What I’m holding in the photo above is the new “membership cards” I made for those who present at the series. They read:

[Blank] presented at Get to the Point!

Cafe Nine, New Haven CT

and is hereby considered a storyteller in good standing.

Here’s the Villiers bit:

Advertising Space

Adapted by Chris Arnott from “L’Affichage Celeste” by Villiers L’Isle-Adam (found in the collection Cruel Tales, 1883)

A: Funny, talking about the heavens in a way that appeals to bankers.

B: Investors, marketing specialists. Thank you for coming.

A: But this is heaven taken from a serious, industrial point of view. These days, things that we understood only as legends and myths can be explained by science, or close enough. Religious icons projected on trees and snow. Mirages and hallucinations.

B: The refraction on the Brocken!

A: These natural phenomena have caught the attention of a engineering genius from the south, Mr. Grave. A few years ago he came up with the bright idea of maximizing the resources of the night sky.

B: Say, that is a “bright” idea. [CHUCKLES]

A: Mr. Graves…

B: He has a PhD.

A: …has found a way to raise the heavens to a level at which they can be freshly appreciated by the modern world.

What good are these of vast stretches of sky, anyway, other than providing more daydreams for unproductive losers?

Wouldn’t it be more popular…

B: Heroic, you could say.

A: …if these vast unutilized spaces were converted into spectacular signposts? If these yawning deserts of sky could have some purpose, conveying important messages to anyone who looks up? If those incomprehensible jumbles of stars could be linked in a clear, profitable array of words?

B: “Your Message Here.” Like skywriting. With stars.

[They look skyward, in awe.]

A: Let’s not get sentimental. This is business. This is a major opportunity for serious investors who can take advantage of this untapped star market.

B: Get your head out of the clouds! This is business!

A: Granted, at first it sounds crazy. To repurpose the darkness, to offer advertising rates on the stars, to turn twilight into an advertising banner

B: At special introductory rates

A: To make dusk a brand! To fully market every moment of nighttime, maximizing profits until the break of dawn.

B: A dream come true!

A: [To B.] Only don’t sleep. Sleep in the daytime. Daylight has no value for us. It’s a saturated market.

B: A, uh, nighttime vision come true!

A: We know what you’re thinking. What a lot of work this must be for us! What a task we’re taking on! But when we recognize a great new market

B: The most revolutionary marketing idea since the big bang!

A: We have to go for it. It’s the American way.

B: You can’t stop progress.

A: When Benjamin Franklin captured lightning on a kite string, did he stop and go inside out of the rain?

B: No. He discovered electricity.

A: Likewise, we are prepared to do what it takes to mold this wonderful new invention of Mr. Grave’s to benefit humanity.

B: Just as Benjamin Franklin created electrical utility companies.

A: Mr. Grave has explored, travelled

B: … in rocket ships!

A: and researched and experimented and banged bits of metal and glass together. He’s created these massive lenses and reflection gadgets

B: Patent pending.

A: And we have connected him with the ideal manufacturing plant for his efforts.

B: Everyone’s going to be rich. Factories, marketing companies, big businesses, small businesses, astronomers, astrolgers, neck-massagers…

A: Advertising space, the final frontier. And once we’ve launched our campaign, we literally obliterate the competition.

B: Can you image a neon sign at a shopping mall competing with THIS?

A: Bursts of chemically enhanced natural starlight

B: We use magnesium.

A: Your message magnified hundreds of thousands of times and beamed into the heavens.

B: In standard white/yellow light, with additional colors available at reasonable rates.

A: Imagine a young couple on Lover’s Lane.

B: Or East Rock. Long Wharf. Market locally AND globally.

A: In their 20s; good demographics. Holding hands as they gaze into the star-filled sky.

[A & B get wistful, sigh.]

A [suddenly excited]: when big rays of blinding light come streaming into the sky

B: Right in the middle of their favorite constellation.

A: Like, say, the Pleiades [pronounced PLY-a-deez].

B: You know the Pleiades? It’s over by Taurus.The bull.

A: The Pleiades are the Seven Sisters, from Greek mythology.

B: Maia. Electra. Taygete. Alcyone. Celaeno. Sterope. Merope.

A: Don’t you want the Seven Sisters as your sales spokeswomen? Wham! Pow! The lights hit the stars. The Seven Sisters are suddenly dressed in fancy gowns and sweaters from J.C. Penney’s or The Gap.

B: Underneath them, it reads “Money back if not completely satisfied.”

A: You’ve got sky for all the fine print you want.

B: No better place to advertise medications with a lot of side effects.

A: Can you imagine the reaction? Everyone outdoors will be enthralled. All conversations will stop. Complete strangers will embrace and cheer. Fights will stop.

B: Peace in our time.

A: That couple on Lovers Lane will rush back to the car and head to the nearest department store.

B: Or pharmacy.

A: Not to mention niche marketing. For hikers and campers. For highway construction workers doing the overnight shift. For hipsters who have to smoke outdoors at bars.

B: Sky’s the limit! Sky’s the limit!

A: All thanks to Mr. Grave. His name will be glorified.

B: He can put his own name up in lights.

A: Is there anyone who doesn’t see the potential here?
B: Unlimited potential. Want ads. Wanted posters. Political advertising. Toni Harp riding on Pegasus. Justin Elicker battling Ophiuchus. Henry Fernandez sliding down Sagittarius.

A: Ursa Major, the Great Bear, holding YOUR product between her paws.

B: Smoothie Foundation Garments! Strong enough to restrain a bear!

A: Or something with “sheer” and “bare,” get it?

B: We’re still working on that one.

A: Have we mentioned the moon?

B: Seriously—the moon!

A: You can write on the moon.

B: “Hull’s Ale. We’re over the moon about it!”

A: This, we don’t have to tell you, is an unprecedented marketing opportunity. Details are in the packets at our booth in the lobby.

B: The sky’s the limit. Did I already say that?

A: You can get in on the ground floor. Limitless potential here. Star advertising may outlast the earth itself.

A: Print is dead! The internet can be hacked. Billboards fade. But the stars!

B: The stars!

A: Finally, they’ll be good for something.

A& B: We thank you.